Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
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Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
necessity is the mother of invention
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*