Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
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[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
So many pants.
So little yoga.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating