The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
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Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
A completely valid reaction tbh
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
drew a comic about my origin story
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
TWEET CALL
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Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.