*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
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tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
When someone says you are so lazy
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh