Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
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when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
The best shot in the history of golf
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.