Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
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A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend