[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
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I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college