Peter Parker Peter Driver
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sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I wanna be friends with this person
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time