Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
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My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.