The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
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With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.