congratulations to them
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So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.