wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
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Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon