I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
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“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club