Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
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“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??