*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
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Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”