me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
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me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
There is no try. There is only give up.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Modded the new Gran Turismo
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.