Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
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If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
m’lady
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers