FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
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[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I know this now 😂
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?