As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
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me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
How dude HOW?!
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.