My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
You Might Also Like
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.