Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
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Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.