If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
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My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”