Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
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Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
This hospital has everything
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear