Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
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I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world