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You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Put a ring on it
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.