Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
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Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.