After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
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Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Your honor these allegations are