walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
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You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”