If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
You Might Also Like
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased