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Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
🤭😂
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.