I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
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My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur