i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
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{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there