When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
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Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.