There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
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[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”