It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
You Might Also Like
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
This took me a second..
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
PER MY LAST EMAIL
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I have a place for everything. The floor.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
i dont have time for this
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time