Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
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I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight