me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
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me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Life with a cat in one tweet
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
If I ignore life will it go away?
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.