2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
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How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?