Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
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when dads have a rap battle
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”