As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
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Britain be like
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!