*pronounces bondage like corsage.
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I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
This hospital has everything
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Stonehinge
me when i see my girls butt
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened