It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
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Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….