Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
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I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.