a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
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My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Me irl
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats