One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
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I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
<- sleeps well with others
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
my dad when a sex scene comes on
want me to check your oil?
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.