me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
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Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok