3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
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I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes