Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
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Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
*bites zombie*
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I bet
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.