[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
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I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.