People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
You Might Also Like
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.